Angels In Plain Sight: In Tandem
Hello my dear,
I hope that all is well with you. It has been far too long since my last letter, and for that I apologise, but I promise this has been a long time coming, three months to be exact. Each time I sat down to write, I wondered where to begin. How could I even approach such a subject? How do I write about a love that is so transformative, and keep it brief? How can I write about my experience of loving while omitting my shortfalls? I cannot. Expressing the gift of loving you, of being loved by you is not an easy task. In person, we may have discussed being nurtured by the love of family, being challenged by romance, but today, I had to put my love for our love, this friendship, into writing.
In composing this letter to you, all of you, I thought my words were failing me, but it was the other way round. I failed to give myself the time I needed to sit in silence and wait for the words to arrive. And now here I am, in silence, and the words have made themselves known to me. My only job now is to remain still enough to allow them to flow from wherever they reside, to you wherever you are now. Wish me luck! Seeing as this is a love letter and knowing that when I throw out a compliment, some of you catch it with open arms, and others of you wince and duck to stop the words from hitting your face - I would advise you to brace yourself accordingly.
Where life is the process of navigating our own uncharted waters, love is the boat that keeps us afloat. I didn’t mean to get rhyme-y there but it is as simple as a nursery rhyme. Our love has seen me through hardship, and surrounded me in most joyful moments. Some of us have literally aged together, others of us are just getting to know each other, but either way, watching you become this beautiful being that you are feels like a reward. Maybe I met you on my first day of nursery, secondary school or university, or perhaps at an event, through mutual friends or at a bus stop. Whether it has been years or days of friendship, I am thankful.
When I met you, your eyes were familiar in a way that they logically shouldn’t have been. You were radiant with this life force that beckoned me in. It was unspoken, platonic and yet romantic in its poetry. In response, I approached you, completely enamoured and certain that I had to keep you in my life. For others of you I was withheld yet curious about who you were. And for others, I was far more awkward, fumbling over my words as I worked up the courage to ask you if you wanted to be friends. Whichever version of me you got, thank you for taking a chance on me. Even when you were shy and preferred the spot in the room that was closest to the door to ensure a successful Irish goodbye, it still felt like we were waiting to jump to the part in our story where we could talk about this moment in the past tense.
When I look across the very few years I have lived, the memories I have with you genuinely fill me with so much gratitude. I think of eating fish and chips in the park near your house in our hometown. I think of calling you everyday for four days straight to analyse the story of my first kiss. I think of our first holiday together. I think of leaving the club at 4am and going to dance in a random park until the tube was up and running again. I think of you pulling me up for being hypocritical. I think of you making me dinner when I couldn’t afford to feed myself. I think of walking around the city aimlessly with you. I think of meeting your family for the first time and understanding where you get your iconic laugh from. I think of setting up our flat together. I think of sobbing into your shoulder as you held me.
When I am with you, doubled over in laughter, deep in discussion or dancing by your side, I realise that you are the answer to a prayer that hadn’t even left my lips. When we are apart, I tell your jokes, I wear the bracelet you got me, I display the mannerisms and vocabulary I absorbed from you! I am both the curator and the exhibition, a walking gallery of my favourite pieces by my favourite people.
We’ve gotten older and sometimes I worry our relationship is slipping. This is the busiest we have ever been and we will only get busier. I know the demands of capitalism make it harder for us to make time for each other so we adjust our expectations until we’re treating each other like work meetings that need to be scheduled. Everything about our human experience is constantly being “streamlined” and sold back to us - the very act of thinking and creating is being threatened to be replaced with generative technology. Our love of convenience is the biggest barrier to connection, and I know I’m guilty of giving in to this. Relationships require effort and I’m glad I can trust us to give it our best. I don’t have to play it cool with you and obey the social “no-double-texting” rule. I can spam you things I watched, read or listened to that I know you’ll like. You check in for no other reason than just to say “hey”, not because you need me for something, but just because you’re curious about how I am.
For the Sinners (2025) fans, no Ibrahim is not a vampire!
On the contrary, I know when I have let us down, letting two weeks slip by before I get back to you, which is no indication of me caring less about you, but reflective of me being stuck in my own unrest. I can already hear you saying, “for someone who speaks highly of community, why do you insist on figuring things out alone, Tuso?”. Maybe pride? A culture of hyper-individualism? Likely both, but I know I need to stop this for my own good, and especially because I hurt you.
I’m sorry for when I snapped at you. It wasn’t anything you had done, even if it had been, you didn’t deserve that. I was tired of my situation and you reminding me of it meant you caught the brunt of my dissatisfaction, and that was unfair. It’s funny how that happens, right? Funny isn’t the word, I just mean that it is strange that we can treat the people who care about us the most with impatience because we trust that they’ll love us enough not to leave, but that doesn’t make it okay.
I am also sorry for how I left things with us. I do believe that we are in each other's lives for a reason, and sometimes that is only for a season. The wonderful thing about seasons is that they inevitably change, but this time I wanted the change on my own terms. So with the sun still shining, I told you it was winter and I grew cold to prove it. I successfully skipped over the awkward conversations that come with the transition of autumn, but that meant burying something that could have bloomed again. Whilst I am glad that a lesson was learnt, and I am better for knowing you, I am sorry that it took hurting you to get here. To those of you whom I was bold enough to have a parting conversation with, or to those whom I’ve simply drifted from due to time or distance, I still wish you well and I hope that you know that you are always welcome in my life.
I am often accused of being in love with you, my friends, and it’s usually delivered in a tone that suggests I ought to be embarrassed. Why would I be? I am in contact with you and I am in communion with you, why wouldn’t I be in love with you? I know such language is reserved for romance, but I don’t think it should be. I am proud to be judged by the company I keep because of you. We choose to show up for each other as best as we can, even when it’s at great inconvenience. We get to hold each other up, moving through life in tandem, and watch each other continuously evolve. Of course I am in love with you.
I love you.
Speak soon!
(why are my friends so beautiful??!! wow wow wow)
P.S. Thank you for reading, it truly means so much to me and I hope you enjoyed it! I am still at the start of my journey as a writer and it feels good to have your consistent support (if you're new, heyyyyy). I’m looking forward to trying out new forms of writing so I hope you stick around for that!